As I sit here reading the last couple...ok a lot of posts, I realize all I have been do per say is bitching...and non-stop. I really want to apologize to everyone I've burdened and brought down with me the last couple of weeks. It's been really hard being home and it brings back a lot of memories when I was let go from Carthage Hospital. It's a lot of feeling not wanted, guilt, and ashamed of myself. I really just want to get back to my "normal" self, if that's ever possible. I know a baby changes everything, but I never in a million years realized it would change my hormones this bad.

My mother is a wonderful wonderful person as is my step-father. Without the 2 of them, I really don't know where I would be today! I look up to them in so many ways. I can't wait to till they can share my love they have for me with baby Kara.

Kara has not made her grand enterance into this world yet. Her big brothers are getting really excited for her (I think its because Tim keeps telling me he can't wait for me to have this baby so I'm in a better mood...the boys are realize how bitchy "mommy" is). I haven't seen Tyler since Wednesday of last week and Heidi just dropped him off, I can't believe how much this 2 year old has changed in a matter of 5 days. He talks in almost full sentences. I asked him to take his coat off when he got here and he upzipped it by himself and then got his arm stuck and looked at me and said..."mom, help me, please" Tim started laughing and then when he had to jet out the door to work, Tyler says..."later dad" it was so darn cute.

Which brings me to my next topic, as if I don't have enough going on already...I filled out papers today for Paternity for Tyler (Tim's name isn't on his birth certificate...Heidi is still technically married to Makayla's father) so we petitioned for that and I also filled out papers for Custody. I was told today by Brandon's school counselor that we NEED to get going on this, we qualify for a public defender as does everybody. Tim has been adamit to get the ball rolling because of money, well I'm not waiting any longer, I'm sick of Brandon spending the weekend there and coming home in the same clothes he went there in Friday and saying he slept in them and hasn't changed since. And Tyler on the other hand coming to us always filthy and just gross.

I think I may have calmed myself down for the time being. I'm trying to be as patient as I can without driving myself nuts. I might have accepted the fact that she will come when she's ready and most likely when I'm not thinking about it and when I least expect it. Sorry again to everyone and I promise the blogs will be positive from now on.

Love to all